Only Here Will I Be Honest

i think i'll start a new life..

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 00:07:34 GMT

we'll see what happens. maybe this will work.. maybe not.

this is getting ridiculous..

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:51:52 GMT

honestly..
don't fucking play with my emotions.
you were the one who wanted this.
you fed me the bullshit line of, "don't lose that, i'm gonna want it back - blah - blah"
and you're the one "meow-ing" me at fucking 2 o'clock in the morning.
dragging me along saying shit like, "i think i'm starting to see the picture"
and "i realized that i miss having someone to talk to"
and "i miss you" blah blah.
and now to find out you've been talking to another girl the whole time?!
well you know what?!
now, i'm not even depressed or heartbroken anymore, now i'm just fucking pissed.
GRRRR!!

Slowly getting the picture..

Sat, 31 May 2008 07:08:03 GMT

When will I begin to forget the way you used to smile
And make the world make sence
Laying in your arms used to be the
Place where I felt heaven holding on to me
What i wouldnt give to be there right now
I cant seem to shake watching my heart walk out

When the sun decides to set in the east
Thatll be when im over you getting over me
When the steepest mountain falls into the sea
Only then will I be over you getting over me

Emotionless you told me goodbye
And even to this day im really not sure why
I never thought that perfect could end
Mabye my perceptions blinded me again
Words we didnt say are what haunt me now
Happy ever afters the page you ripped out

Was I guilty of caring too much
Did my constant devotion scare you away
When I close my eyes I dream the same dream
That we stayed in love
And youre holding me

so the wait continues..

Wed, 28 May 2008 20:55:38 GMT

i already know what i want.
now.. i'm just waiting to hear from him.
:)

well..

Mon, 26 May 2008 22:15:47 GMT

"i will not be the first one to speak,
and if he never calls me again,
i will always think of him fondly;
as an asshole."
-sex and the city

lol. gotta love my sex and the city.
the only thing getting me through all of this.

Thinking of him..

Sun, 25 May 2008 05:51:46 GMT

Sometimes it seems I spend every moment
of my waking day thinking of him.
Making him laugh, sometimes.
Making him strong, sometimes.
Making him feel some place in the light is his.
Telling him just how special he is.
Thinking of him.
Telling the truth when no one is willing to tell him the truth.
Fighting for him.
Living for him.
Thinking it over, that’s what I think I do.
Well isn’t it time
I was thinking of me, too?

SO CLOSEE!! ♥

Thu, 22 May 2008 09:31:55 GMT

♥3 DAYS!!♥

YAYY!!

Mon, 19 May 2008 05:49:22 GMT

♥SiX DAYS!!♥

no change of heart.. a change in me.

Sat, 17 May 2008 06:50:11 GMT

"For I know the plans I have for you." Declares the Lord,
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

i miss my biggie heffalump!!

Thu, 15 May 2008 05:09:02 GMT

i'm so happy.. like seriously!!
only 10 more fuhkin days til i move back to michigan
to be with babybaybayy biggie heffalumppp loverr boyyy!!
i miss him a lot a lottt.
he's gonna come over sunday night, even if i don't get in
til like 3am just because he wants to see me!! yayy!!
what a good boyfrienddd!!

i guesss i'm in such a good mood about seeing him because, well..
sitting across from reed and wes tonight at dinner made me realize something..
no matter how much of the "ugly" we hear about..
there are just certain things about relationships that people on the outside
will never understand.
i know they have their little tiffs.. who doesn't??
mitch and i definitely have more than our fair share.
but looking at the two of them, and their chemistry..
it was like looking in a mirror or mitch and i.
i know i write a lot of the "ugly" stuff on here.
and it's probably because, well the "bad" stuff
is the only thing i can put into words.
i can't express how happy i am about him.
and if i try, i'll just become one of those annoying bitches
who's always talking about how "great her love life is."
when really, she's just lying to make herself feel better.
i'm just honest.
sometimes i hate him, but at the end of the day..
he's the only person i ever want to be with.

maybe we only obsess over relationships that feel un-finished..

Sun, 11 May 2008 06:17:40 GMT

i wish there were no men.
if there were no men, we wouldn't feel hurt.
and we wouldn't be disappointed.
and we wouldn't be spending our entire night
sitting here obsessing about them.
i'm so over men.

tell me the truth.. did you EVER love me?!

Sun, 11 May 2008 04:31:13 GMT

so what am i supposed to do when i make a
promise to myself that if he lies again, we're over..
and then he lies?? but i don't have the heart to end it??

my nook.

Sat, 10 May 2008 05:44:33 GMT

so, earlier today i started to think about relationship.
yes, they can be amazing and priceless..
but there are some downs as well.
"the course of true love never runs smoothe."
it's so true.
in order for you to kiss and make up, you have to argue first.
couples argue for all different types of reasons.
but when it comes down to it, the biggest reason couples argue
is because of things left unsaid.
"when i say something sweet, you're not supposed to say it back...
you're supposed to top it."
lol. probably the best line from a monologue i've ever heard.
but really, why do we argue.
both sides of the party know we hate it.
but we can't just be adult and look at each other and say, "this is stupid."
no, we have to keep arguing and bickering until the tears are shead
and someone starts to feel bad.
why is it, that the guy ALWAYS says the right thing,
EXACTLY when you DON'T want to hear it?? haha.
oh well.. everyone fights. it happens and we get over it.
especially when the boyfriend says stuff like,
"you're the best girlfriend ever. because you're exactly what i need."
it's really nice to know you're needed.
every girl has her "nook."
the one area on her guy, then when you're cuddling, you fit perfectly.
well i miss my nook on mitchell.
i want it to be summerr..
i want to wake up to an alarm clock every monday through friday at 6am
just to roll over to look at my amazing, sometimes pain-in-the-ass boyfriend,
give him a big kiss and watch him get dressed and ready for work while i lay in bed.
there's nothing more perfect than that.
i miss him a lot. i love him more than anything.
he's definitely my other half, my soul-mate, and my best friend.

i'm not free of you.

Fri, 09 May 2008 17:25:26 GMT

love is not when you feel only pain.

so... like almost two weeks!!

Fri, 09 May 2008 03:18:01 GMT

i can't believe it.. a little over two weeks and i'm graduating college.
wow, that's so insane. these two years went by fastt.
there's still a lot of stuff that needs to be done though.
but i'm really looking forward to coming home.
keep your fingers crossed that i get into the new school university!!
anyways.. only 17 more days til i'm with my babybaybayy!! ♥
yayy.. can't wait for the summerr.

One Year And Counting..

Sun, 04 May 2008 23:32:04 GMT

the subject pretty much says it all. yay!! ♥

STOP IT!!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:22:49 GMT

STOP LYiNG!! STOP iT!! STOP iT!! STOP iT!! SERiOUSLY!!

wow.. long week ahead.

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:07:58 GMT

so, i finished both my drama and my musical showcases already.
and now i am into classes..
i have, by far, the longest week ahead of me. lol.

monday night
530pm-720pm: combos
730pm-920pm: monologues.
930pm-1120pm: improvisation.

tuesday night
530pm-720pm: musical theatre seminar.
730pm-920pm: cold reading.
930pm-1120pm: musical theatre.

wednesday night
530pm-720pm: jazz/ballet.
730pm-920pm: film and tv.
930pm-1120pm: musical theatre.

thursday night
530pm-720pm: tap.
730pm-920pm: musical theatre.

friday night
930pm-1120pm: monologues.

thank god, i am going home this weekend. lol.

incommunicable

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 02:40:52 GMT

i have no idea how to even begin to describe how i feel.

i'm in love.. yes i'll admit it.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 08:17:55 GMT

♥ i AM HEAD OVER HEELS iN LOVE WiTH THE MOST AMAZiNG MAN iN THE ENTiRE WORLD!! HE MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYONE EVER HAS OR EVER WiLL. AND i GET TO SEE HiM iN ONLY ONE MORE WEEK!! THANK GOD!! CHEERS TO HUGS AND KiSSES ALL WEEKEND!! ♥

LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!!

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 22:11:34 GMT

♥ OMG i'M SOOOOOO EXCiTED!! i GET TO SEE MY BABYBAYBAYY iN 13 DAYSS!! YAYYAYYAY!! i CANNOT WAiT!! SERiOUSLY!! AHHHHHHH!! i LOVE MY BiGGiE HEFFALUMPPP!! MWAHHH!! ♥

a new "vent journal" entry.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 03:40:04 GMT

seriously, this isn't even my livejournal anymore.
this is my vent journal.

the worst part about a long distance relationship:
when one of you goes to a party, and the other one sits at home,
thinking to herself, "okay well, i remember one time he was drunk
and was texting this girl saying, 'sup baby?' is he doing that right now?"

it's awesome feeling knowing that just for a few minutes
you're no where near the first thing on their mind.

this is pay back for being a shitty girlfriend in the past. i know, i get it!!
yes, ladies and gentlemen, karma is officially the biggest bitch of all time.
my only hope is that it's just my mind playing tricks on me.
and when he says, "oh we're just hanging out."
that that's exactly what he's doing, and he's not making out.

this sucks.. it honestly, truly, and completely sucks.
and i've tried to lay down and go to sleep, and i can't.
it's ridiculous!! i can't fucking sleep because i'm too paranoid
wondering whether or not he's being faithful to me!!

i've tried everything. watching a movie, working out, hanging out with friends,
calling my mom, doing homework, everything.. NOTHING WORKS!!
i hate this.. i really do.

cut me out of a picture to cut me out of your life.

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:23:32 GMT

i really don't feel important to you anymore.
the fact that i have to ask you, "baby, do you still love me?"
makes me doubt whatever your response is.
why am i wasting my time, energy, emotions, and tears trying
to do things to make you happy, when in the end,
i have to ask if i've succeeded because there's no difference
in the way you talk to or treat me.
what makes me want to stay and want to be a good girlfriend to someone
who isn't going to reward me for all the stuff i do and things i say.
i'm sick of pouring my heart down the drain, honestly, its getting a little redundant.

but then of course, you have to say that one thing,
that one teeny-tiny thing which all of a sudden puts my heart and mind in reverse.
it makes me forget why i'm mad at you,
and probably allows you to get away with a lot of shit.
i am one of very few girls who deal this crap, actually,
i only know one other girl who is practically living the same relationship i am.

saying yes to dating someone, is to agree to work things out and
stay together through the good and the bad.
i understand distance in hard, i understand that you can't show me affection in
the way that many boyfriends do when they are physically with their girlfriends.
i get it, i'm not a moron.
but this is bad, i'm sick of venting to my friends about it,
because frankly, i know they don't give a shit.
and i can't keep it bottled up inside, because it'll eat away at me.
something needs to be done, and i don't know what.
i honestly don't even know if my moving home, will fix it.

i mean, you don't get jealous. which to a girl, to some degree, makes me feel
like you wouldn't two shits of someone tried to take me away from you.
it wouldn't phase you.
but if i ever caught another girl all over you,
you better believe i would break every bone in her body.
am i protective, you better fucking believe it.

and any skank in your past.. is right there.. in your past.
she shouldn't in your future or present, nor mine.
i'll be a bitch if i have to, i really don't care. i'll get what i want.
but you need to learn that just because you're a guy,
and you're supposed to be all tough and mighty,
does not deny you the necessity to show some love, care,
respect, and passion to the girl you're dating.
trust me, without feeling like someone needs me, or cares about me..
does not give me a reason to stick around.

i'm not asking you to a fuckin pussy, i want to feel like i'm dating, not a chick.
but even guys have a little bit of a heart, and carry some type of emotion.
you told me that the opposite of love is not hate.
it's "lack of emotion of feeling towards something or someone."
well i feel emotionally neglected. therefore, unloved.

and nothing could ever possibly feel worse than that.

finally in the teens!!

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 05:29:39 GMT

♥ so, it's official.. 19 days until i fly home for the weekend to see my amazing boyfriend!! i cannot waitt!! :o)

"do what's best for you."

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 18:11:27 GMT

what about what's best for us?

i'm at that point in my life where i'm not in denial and i'm mature
enough to say that my life isn't just about me anymore.
anyone who says that their life is just about them and not effected
by the input or opinions of others is a liar, and they know it.
if i ask for your opinion on something, it's because i care enough to
want to know how you feel on the matter.
if i ask you, it's because you mean something to me, obviously.
when you've met someone you want to spend the rest of your life with,
you want to do anything to stay together, and keep each other happy.
i wasn't asking you to tell me what to do, i was to know how you feel
deep inside about what you wish i would do.
i love you, and you mean the world to me.
i just want us to be happy, and i'm happy with you.
distance can change the way people feel about each other.
being closer to you means a lot to me, is it so bad that i just want
to hear you say what you wish i would do.
i just want to know that you long for me, and miss me like i miss you.